Salad-Related Deaths at All-Time Low

Salad users rejoice!

Over the past 20 years, salad use has skyrocketed.

Experts say the salad we’ve got today is much stronger than the salad of the past. Manuf Syense, Chief Salad Expert at TopIngs Foods had this to say:

“The greens of today are stronger than ever. With advances in genetic engineering and soil quality, we’ve seen a ten-fold increase in the level of vitamins and minerals contained in your average bowl of salad, and that’s before we even consider dressing.”

Nobody is concerned about salad-choosing adults, but parents are quite worried about their teenagers getting into the dark underbrush of salad use.

The older generations are especially worried that the young ones will get too much fiber. We asked a local grandmother what she thought of the cruciferous conundrum:

“My sister ate too much salad in 1912. Her arms were cut off. Her legs were cut off. Her ears were cut off. Her nose was cut off…”

At that point, our field interviewer cut off the mic and claimed that “the darn machine” was broken again. Suffice to say, society is concerned about the children and their relationship with the plant.

Salad-related deaths were at their highest in 1998 just before Congress enacted bipartisan legislation to stop the sale and use of high-potency greens.

High-potency, in this case, is anything with over 25% of the recommended daily value of vitamins and minerals. This number was decided arbitrarily by a group of old men who have never been in the same room as a bowl of salad, but alas, it has worked. At least on the surface.

Enacting legislation has only added fiber to the already firm log that is the illicit flow of leafy greens. It’s so easy to cop a bowl of salad, even a teenager can do it.

One teen, speaking on condition of anonymity, had this to say:

“I mean, yeah, I eat it. Sometimes I even eat it at school during lunch. Nobody minds, they all kinda look the other way. As long as you’re careful, you’re fine. Nobody dies from this stuff unless they get careless.”

Becky, who has Mr. Sanders for home room and is in 10th grade at Ridge Run High, has a point. Nobody has died from actually eating salad. Every single salad-related death has been just that. Related.

And the numbers are quite low to start with. Even at their highest in 1998, the numbers don’t appear that grim. A total of 3 people died in 1997 and 6 people died in 1998. What caused the mysterious death doubling?

Experts claim the extra 3 people were trying to sing the new *NSYNC hit “I Want You Back” while eating salads. Since that fateful year, salad deaths have hovered around 2 until reaching their all-time low today.

Only a single person has died in a salad-related incident in the past year, and that involved an angry waiter wielding a giant salad fork.

Perpetual life-improver. Data lover. Author. Nerd. Capable of anything he puts his mind to. So are you.

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